By: Jason Tsaddiq
Review of The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope by Leslie Vernick -- Waterbrook Press, an imprint of Crown Publishing Group: New York; 2013
Please hear me: God doesn’t want you to hang on by a thread, my friend. He gives you a lifeline. Grab hold of it and live. (page 4)
Author:
Leslie Vernick is a “licensed clinical social worker and relationship coach,” according to the book cover information. She holds webinars, writes a blog, speaks internationally, and maintains a private practice. The author of several books including How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong and The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, Mrs. Vernick chose to use these Biblical principles in her relationship with her mother, though most readers would assume, by her book titles, that she has a lousy marriage and hates men.
In perusing her website, leslievernick.com, one cannot find her personal story of salvation or any “religious” associations; however, she constantly states, in various ways, that God has the answer and the answer is simply Him and His Word.
Review:
The book addresses a crucial yet ignored topic in Christian circles – emotional abuse in the home. It appears in the last fifty years or so, that many preachers have preached only two truths concerning the home: husbands are to lead and wives are to submit. However, it seems that the leadership that has been preached, or at least the leadership that has been practiced, is more like dictatorship and not true, Biblical leadership. Much confusion and damage has been done to the Body of Christ through this misstep.
The confusion and damage are further deepened by pastors and church leaders themselves misunderstanding the concept and therefore, they are Biblically ignorant of the proper balance between Godly leadership and Biblical submission. Often, the church leaders are willfully ignorant of this mess.
We’ve also misplaced the responsibility on a wife’s shoulder to somehow maintain a loving and warm relationship with a husband who treats her with cruelty, disrespect, deceit, and gross indifference. It’s not feasible, nor is it Biblical. (page 1, introduction)
The very first concept that Mrs. Vernick addresses is the difference between a disappointing marriage and a destructive marriage, an important concept to understand before reading the rest of the book. Every marriage can be considered “disappointing” for each spouse gets old and wrinkly; however, some marriages are absolutely destructive, not what God intended.
The author gives examples of incidents which have occurred in Christian homes, some of which are less gentle than others. She stresses that the definition of emotional abuse “is not usually diagnosed by looking at a single episode of sinful behavior (which we’re capable of) but rather repetitive attitudes and behaviors that result in tearing someone down or inhibiting her growth. This behavior is usually accompanied by a lack of awareness, a lack of responsibility and a lack of change.” An emotionally abusive marriage is not one that is shaken because a spouse puts the toilet paper on the roll backwards or squeezes the toothpaste tube the wrong way. Emotional destruction runs much, much deeper and is common in Christian circles.
For context of the book, she defines emotional abuse on page 11:
Emotional abuse systemically degrades, diminishes, and can even destroy the personhood of the abused.
In Part One, titled “Seeing Your Marriage Clearly,” in chapter one, the reader is encouraged to take a self-administered test to analyze her own marriage. Chapter two leads the reader in learning the “Three Essential Ingredients in a Thriving Relationship”: mutuality, reciprocity, and freedom. Chapter three explains “Five Patterns That Destroy a Relationship and Damage People”: reactive abuse, controlling abuse, deceit, dependence, and indifference. Chapter four asks the question “Where is God in all This?” The chapter begins with this letter:
Leslie, I don’t know what’s happening to me. Every day I thank God that He’s kept me sane in this web of chaos, anger, and deceit, but I’m starting to lose it. I’m having heart palpitations, I feel sick to my stomach, I can’t think straight, and I’m scared, angry, and hurt all the time.
Despite my husband’s lack of any type of remorse, I stand on the truth of God’s Word and take my marital vows seriously! I don’t want a divorce…but how much can one person take? I feel like I am going crazy! The more Christian wisdom I seek, the more confused I become. [emphasis added]
I don’t want to manipulate God’s word for my benefit or to relieve myself from this pain or journey. But surely God does not require that we live in this type of hell simply to remain faithful to our marriage vows, does He? Am I forever damned to this marriage?
I have sought much Christian guidance and, sad to say, it has been horribly ineffective and more damaging, which leads me back to the place I started. I don’t want to break the vow I made to God in this marriage, and yet I am trapped in a marriage that I am trying to survive while dying more every day. [emphasis added] What is the answer?
Surely I am more to God than just a sacrificial lamb!
Mrs. Vernick’s last point in the fourth chapter “Where is God in all This?” is the concept that “God values your safety and sanity.” She gives several Biblical illustrations where a child of God was allowed and/or instructed to leave for his life, not staying in a volatile situation.
Women feel guilty taking measures to protect themselves, because they’ve been taught it’s unbiblical or ungodly. Perhaps their Christian friends or leaders have told them they have no biblical right to safety and they must stay in the marital home, no matter what. They suffer endlessly with verbal battering and even physical abuse, believing that by doing so, they’re being Godly martyrs or fulfilling a call to be a sacrificial lamb. Keeping the family together at all cost is seen as God’s highest value. But there are times when keeping the family together has an extremely high price for a woman and her children, and it may actually cost them their lives. In addition, staying together regardless of the costs continues to enable the husband to grossly sin against them with no consequences, which is not biblical.” [emphasis added] (page 69-70)
Part Two, “Change Begins with You,” begins with chapter five asking the question “What’s Wrong with Me?” The author explains that “change requires self-awareness,” “change happens when we believe God’s Words above all else,” “change happens when we seek and receive feedback from wise and Godly people,” “changes happens when we take responsibility for our part of the marital dysfunction,” “change requires self-reflection,” “change requires self-examination,” and “change requires putting your marriage in its proper place.” In this chapter, the reader is strongly encouraged to “self-reflect” and “self-examine” for any contribution to the mess she herself is making. It is in this chapter that the reader is assured that not all marital problems are caused by the husband. The wife interested in obtaining a clear-eyed view of her situation must be willing to humbly evaluate her own sin patterns, repent and change them, and then move on.
Chapter six warns the reader with this title: “When Trying Harder Becomes Destructive.”
The author explains:
In some marriages, trying harder does not engender a reciprocal response. It has the opposite effect. It feeds the fantasy that the sole purpose of your life is to serve your husband, make him happy, and meet his every need. It feeds his belief of entitlement and his selfishness, and it solidifies his self-deception that it is indeed all about him.
When destructive behaviors are a regular pattern in your marriage, understand this important truth: Your husband doesn’t want a real wife who will reflect to him her pain when he hurts her or God’s wisdom when she sees him making a foolish decision. What he demands is a fantasy wife, a blow-up punching-bag wife who continues to bounce back with a smile even when he knocks her down. He wants a doll wife who always agrees, always acts nice, always smiles, and thinks he’s wonderful all the time, not matter what he does or how he behaves. He wants a wife who loves to have sex with him whenever he’s in the mood, regardless of how he treats her. He wants a wife who doesn’t ask anything of him or hold him accountable for anything, yet allows him to do whatever he pleases. He wants a wife who will never upset him, never disagree with him, or never challenge him. He wants a wife who grants him amnesty whenever he messes up, never mentioning it again even if the same sin happens again and again. Trying harder to become the fantasy wife is not helpful to your husband or your marriage.
She continues in the next paragraph:
The more you collude with his idea that he’s entitled to a fantasy wife, the more firmly entrenched this lie becomes. You will never measure up to his fantasy wife because you, too, are a sinner. You will fail him (as every partner does in a marriage) and won’t always meet his needs (or wants). In addition, you are created by God as your own, unique, separate person. Therefore, you will have feelings of your own and won’t always agree with everything he says or wants. It is not your sole purpose to serve him and meet his every need. Trying to be his fantasy wife not only hurts him, but it hurts you too. It diminishes the person God has made you to be because your husband has now become your god. He dictates who you are to be and what you are to do. And when you bow to this god, you soon become ruled by fear, not God’s love. Your spirit becomes deformed, and you will never grow to be the woman God created you to be.
This concept (It is not your sole purpose to serve him and meet his every need) flies in the face of what the average Baptist church preaches concerning leadership and submission. However, one must acknowledge its truth. A spouse’s sole purpose is to glorify God and other like-worded goals and enabling a loved one to continue in sin is definitely not glorifying God.
Chapter seven is titled “Building Your Core.” The word CORE is used to demonstrate these concepts:
Committed to truth and reality
Open to growth, instruction, and feedback
Responsible for myself and Respectful toward others without dishonoring myself
Empathic and compassionate toward others without enabling people to continue to abuse and disrespect me.
Chapter eight, the last chapter in Part Two, explains how to “Get Prepared to Confront Wisely.” The author discusses the concept that, though all have sinned, a habitual sinner must be confronted in a Biblical method. Confronting any other way produces more destruction. Some information in this chapter also flies in the face of advice given in the typical book or sermon on the Christian home. However, as the reader has seen the Bible’s view of emotional abuse and of leadership and submission, he must acknowledge the truth of the confrontation methods and ideas presented in this chapter. The author does not claim that minor offenses be confronted using these strong methods, only on-going, non-repentant sin.
Part Three, “Initiating Changes in Your Marriage” contains “specific strategies to wake up your husband to his destructiveness and invite him to Godly change.” Chapter nine is titled “Learn to Speak Up in Love.”
When a woman stops being a resentful martyr or a helpless victim and starts living from her CORE, she can learn to become God’s warrior to bring about her husband’s good. (page 135)
This chapter gives three questions that a wife should ask her husband: “Are you happy?” “What do you see as our most important goal or challenge as a couple if we’re going to improve our relationship?” “What kind of husband and father do you want to be?” Asking these questions and then honestly and kindly listening to the answer will make great strides in discerning the direction of the relationship.
Chapter ten “Stand Up Against the Destruction” gives a suggested strategy to approaching the destructive husband. The author gives Biblical themes and practical safety plans to combat the consequences of the wife’s standing up for righteousness in the relationship. If one begins reading the book in this chapter, ignoring the previous chapters, he may believe that the author is propounding that the wife is in charge of the relationship. The reader must take all the concepts together.
Marriage does not give someone a “get out of jail free” card that entitles a husband to lie, mistreat, ignore, be cruel, or crush his wife’s God-given dignity. (page 157)
Chapter eleven titled “When There is no Obvious Change” explains that a wife may be tempted to allow others to tell her what to believe and do, but the author stresses that a Christian wife has no excuse not to study the Scripture to discern what God would have her do. The concept of “choosing well” is explained. If the wife chooses to stay in the home, then she must stay Biblically – unresentful, submissive. If she chooses to leave the emotional abuse, then she must leave Biblically – humbly, kindly, well-prepared.
In summary, if you stay, stay well. Get help for yourself so you don’t have a breakdown. Distance yourself emotionally. Have no expectations. Connect with other women. Grow, learn, be as healthy and whole as you can while in a destructive marriage.
If you must leave, leave well. Expose his indifference, his verbal abuse, deceit, or whatever is destroying your marriage to your church leaders and separate for the purpose of reconciliation in the hopes that it will bring him to his senses. When you put your foot down and say, “I will not allow myself or the kids to be treated this way anymore. It’s destructive to me, to them and to our marriage,” you are not going against God by speaking the truth in love. You are standing for goodness, for truth, and for the healing and restoration of your marriage. But now you refuse to pretend and stay together at any cost, including your own physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual health. (page 176)
Chapter twelve “Necessary Changes for Marriages to Heal” encourages the wife to analyze the situation before the whole marriage can be restored. “He accepts responsibility.” “He makes amends.” “He displays willingness instead of willfulness.” Then the author gives advice to the husband that may help him analyze his own walk with the Lord and with his wife. These suggested steps are Biblical and practical in nature, simple to accomplish step by step.
Chapter thirteen, “Restoring the Destructive Marriage” is really a continuation of chapter twelve in that it encourages the reader to continue learning from God’s Word, standing for righteousness in the marriage relationship, and maintaining her own safety, sanity, stability, and security. Each of these four concepts (safety, sanity, stability, security) are defined and directions on how to incorporate them into the marriage are given in simple stages.
Appendix A is titled “Resources for Help” and include immediate help, support resources, educational resources, and a list of treatment groups.
Appendix B is titled “Five Common Mistakes People Helpers Make.”
Any honest Christian must admit that emotional abuse is alive and well even in Baptistic circles. Often the Christian man has his church so deceived that the wife has much difficulty in proving his deceit in the marriage relationship. Every Christian must be on guard to discern emotional abuse and must be prepared to combat it immediately. This book is a very practical. Bible-based approach to refuting the evil in the abusive home.
If the Christian marriage is the basis of society…if the Christian marriage determines the spirituality of the church … if the Christian marriage is a picture of Christ and the church, then this blatant sin against God’s will must be stopped. Now.